The Voice You Think But Shouldn’t Believe.

Today I want to talk about my arsehole. No – not my actual arsehole – although if you want to talk post partum or ‘forever partum’ piles for that matter, I’m all ears. Note to self : I must try and write a blog that doesn’t mention body parts soon.

Anyway! My arsehole is what I like to call the fucking twat of a negative voice inside my head. The one that says I’m not a good enough mum, wife, weight, daughter and friend. The one that when I look in the mirror screams out my bad points instead of my good. The critical arsehole that simply never shuts up. The voice I think but shouldn’t believe.

I’m not even sure how I got to this point in life. I used to be so outgoing and fearless, I holiday repped in Gran Canaria and took charge of 30 or so drunken lads on bar crawls and managed to see them all safe at the end of the night, I flew plane loads of intoxicated clubbers from Manchester to Ibiza when I was cabin crew without breaking a sweat and I stood face to face with a woman built like a brick shithouse who was threatening to cut my face up with a glass bottle of champagne unless I gave her another out the onboard bar while somehow managing to stay calm.

Now I find myself avoiding walking past large groups at the play park with my son, I cross the road if I see anyone approaching in a hoody (or similar life threatening get up) and I seriously hate large crowds on nights out.

At first becoming a mother gave me so much confidence, I formed new friendships at mother and baby groups, I lost weight whilst surviving on a diet of cake and biscuits because of breastfeeding (God bless those magic milk making 500 calories) and I found myself embracing a beautiful relationship with my newborn.

Then as the months went by the mum’s I had forged close networks with returned to their careers whilst I chose stay at home, I started to gain back all the weight I had lost as I’d made the switch from breast to bottle but hadn’t scrapped the endless supply of victoria sponge and hobnobs and the beautiful newborn I was so close to became a screaming banshee who threw tantrums when I gave him the red lego instead of the yellow. And I dreaded going out in public in case said banshee kicked off in a public place.

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The Lego Tantrum

How did becoming a mother make me such a nervous wreck! Like literally I find myself sweating with anxiety in certain situations and I worry about ridiculous things – when I drive on the motorway I worry I’m going to crash, when I’m walking along the canal I become convinced that a camouflaged murderer is following me but most of all I worry every single day about my son and how I will keep an exploring toddler safe.

But I don’t want to carry on like this. I just want to enjoy my son. I don’t want to have this arsehole inside me pointing out all the negative crap anymore. I’ve battled with depression and anxiety earlier in my life I’ve done the whole counselling, CBT and meds route and I thought I was done. Yet here I am back on the happy pills wondering how it all reversed back to this point. Wondering how the voice I think but shouldn’t believe is back and back with a vengeance.

Becoming a mother didn’t come easy to us as some of you know – but that’s a whole other blog to be written – and believe me, I know how lucky I am, my boy is my entire life, but I’ll admit I’m really struggling with this new found mentality I find myself living with. I’m sick of this arsehole being the voice that filters my entire thoughts.

I’m sick of comparing myself to the size 8 mums who upload a cracking selfie to my newsfeed with their 3 kids in the background of their spotless home while I barely manage to find my concealer most days. Instead of comparing myself this way I want myself to be GOOD ENOUGH.

This idea of perfection needs to stop. No one has the perfect life. So why do I still feel like this? Why is my arsehole not listening to reason?! What’s wrong with me!!! I have no idea how to ‘not think’ anymore.

I want to be a role model to my son, I don’t want him to have the fears and negative voices that I have. I want him to look in the mirror and feel confident, I want him to feel like he can achieve his dreams without any doubts  and I never want him to feel scared. The first step to my son believing in himself is to learn by example and with this in mind I’m about to start a month of hypnotherapy.
I want to start seeing the good again. I want to focus more on my achievements than my failures. I don’t want to feel scared in public anymore and most of all I just want to feel good enough again. Maybe if my arsehole won’t listen to my cognitive brain he might quieten the fuck down with some subliminal messaging. I’m excited to see if it works. In the meantime if anyone else feels like me you’re not alone. You are good enough. And that voice you think but shouldn’t believe? – Well he’s just an arsehole.

God Bless. Until next time…..

MoreForMummy

15 thoughts on “The Voice You Think But Shouldn’t Believe.

  1. Great piece. You’ll be surprised at how many of us are on those happy pills just to get through life’s daily battles…..and I’d love to be a size 8…..i once was….when I was 8 maybe. Well done you for keeping it real xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know exactly how you feel. You look st other people thinking they Have the perfect life/family but in reality they have the same thoughts as you. The pressures of being a mum are immense. You bring a child into the world and you are responsible for that child. You want them to be happy and respectful of others and when they turn into a little monster occasionally you blame yourself wondering if it’s something you’ve done or not done when in reality they’re just pushing boundaries. Trust me you’re a fantastic mum and one your son will be very proud that you are his mummy x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As much as I hate the fact you feel like this, it’s nice to know I’m
    Not the only one! Your honesty is a breath of fresh air and for the all the negatives your ‘arsehole’ brings, it also brought me some giggles. In my opinion your not only beautiful on the outside, your a fine character on the outside. Look forward to the next read 😘 Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s what I hope to achieve! Honesty with giggles I love that phrase! I hope your arsehole shuts up soon too! Thank you for your comment and I’m so pleased you are excited for the next read x

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  4. After 5 sons and disastrous marriages I constantly hear that voice! You are not alone, please don’t ever think it’s just you. You have a gorgeous family and soon you will find you again. You may dip back and forth as I and plenty of other Mums do but that’s ok. None of us are perfect we just try our best. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry you hear the voice too Donna. I hope I can work on finding me again soon and these lovely comments have really helped me feel a bit more ‘normal’. Like you say we can only try our best and I’m sure your 5 son’s think you are an absolute warrior surviving all you have been through. Xx

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  5. Interesting read & one I can definitely relate to, be it the happy pills, large crowds, motorway driving & lack of make up! You’re not alone.

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  6. What an amazing piece of writing. You are a fabulous mummy and I often see the love and care you give to your gorgeous son. I have had my struggles and love your use of the word arsehole which also often occurs in my life. Through my life experiences I have learnt to fight my problems by looking at my two wonderful sons. I’ve made lots of mistakes but am proud to be their mum. You are a beautiful, caring and fantastic young woman.xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow that’s a wonderful comment and means so much thank you for your kind words. I’m so pleased you enjoyed the blog and can also relate to said arsehole! I have to agree your son’s are amazing young gents and so polite you should indeed be very proud xxx

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